Filling Your Cup
There are many types of love (the Ancient Greeks actually listed 7) including love of family, love of friends, romantic love, etc. However, the one that is most important to our survival and well-being is the love we have for ourselves.
If you google “self-love synonyms” you get words like “selfishness” or “narcissism”. Recently, when I asked my 9 year old if he was proud of an accomplishment, he replied that he didn’t want to be proud because he didn’t want to be selfish. That really got me thinking. In our society there is a common belief that if we love ourselves, others will view us as selfish or narcissistic and as a result, no one will like us. Conversely, if we belittle ourselves and our accomplishments, then others will view us as humble and meek and will like us. If you take any kind of pride in yourself or your work, then you are “full of yourself”.
The belief that loving ourselves turns us into narcissists is untrue, harmful, and prevents us from genuinely loving ourselves. I would like to shift this narrative and encourage bringing more compassionate self-love into your heart. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to be grateful for the positive things in your life. You deserve to be proud of your accomplishments.
And here’s the kicker. When we prioritize love and compassion for ourselves, we can then offer a higher quality love to others. Its similar to putting the oxygen mask in a plane on yourself first. Once you do, then you can help others put theirs on, but if you are passed out from a lack of oxygen, you are of no help to anyone. When we fill our own cup with love, respect, and understanding for ourselves we can more easily offer the same to others. However, if our cup is empty, we feel depleted and burned out so the quality of our love for others often reflects that.
Note: Narcissism is a legitimate personality disorder characterized by feelings of entitlement and a lack of empathy. This is very different from compassionate self-love which includes feelings of self-respect, healthy boundaries, and belonging.
Deservability and the Wounded Heart
With compassionate self-love comes trust in ourselves and belief in our abilities. Without love for our self, we cannot change our lives for the better. We often create our lives to reflect what we feel we deserve. This is great when you believe you deserve all the good things, but when you want more positive things in your life our negative self beliefs can often get in the way of achieving healthy change.
The part of ourselves that doesn’t believe in our abilities or our self worth comes from a wounded heart. With heartbreak we often create a black and white scenario rather than directly dealing with our experience. We become the villain or hero of the story that we continue to replay in our mind. Unfortunately, by focusing so much of our attention on the person who hurt us, rather than ourselves, we hold our growth back. Giving our energy away in this way not only keeps our cup empty, but we also make our self-love conditional upon another person’s love or attention. We begin to only value ourselves if others love us.
Despite this misconception, we must remember that at the core of each of us is something beautiful, compassionate, and indestructible. We each deserve love, respect, and dignity. While over time, we may cover up our radiant core with hopes and fears, habitual patterns, and unresolved heartbreak, that core still remains pure and bright. When we honestly engage with our core, the inner strength we find there can help us heal our heart and begin to refill our cup.
Learning to Show Love to Your Self
How do we show love to ourselves? Its easy to think of ways to show love to others, but often we come up lacking in ideas when it comes to showing love to ourselves. One simple entry point is through the Five Love Languages quiz. However, rather than a significant other, I recommend using this bit of knowledge as a way to be kind to yourself.
Here’s an example of how this would work. As someone who prefers to receive love through “Acts of Service” I have a simple nightly routine that makes me feel nurtured. RIght before bed, I do the dishes and tidy the kitchen. I really appreciate walking into a clean kitchen and empty sink in the morning, so while it may seem like a chore in the moment, I do it as a gift for my morning self. If you prefer words of affirmation, try positive self-talk or affirmations. If you prefer quality time, try to set aside time for a regular date with yourself. You get the idea...
Another way to show love to yourself is to find a personal oasis in your life. Sometimes our lives can feel like a desert - unable to find joy as we rush from back-to-back meetings or shuttle kids around town. Creating an oasis, or safe space and time, for nurturing yourself is a great way to show love to yourself. Your oasis should be something that is just for yourself and brings your spirit joy. Try to find an activity that you can do every day for 15-30 minutes. It can be as simple as going for a quick walk on your lunch break or setting aside time to doodle right before bed.
Ultimately, the idea of an oasis is finding a way for you to practice loving and befriending yourself. It is an opportunity to do something kind for just you. Especially if you are a caregiver in your personal life or in a very enmeshed relationship, it may be really difficult to separate your needs from the needs of your family, but I encourage you to try. Additionally, it is also important to realize that addictions or self-harming habits are not self-care. Try to make your oasis about a positive action or activity, not about a substance.
Learning to love yourself is an opportunity to learn how to be your own best friend and offer the same love, compassion, and forgiveness to ourselves that we offer others so freely. We all have different ways to fill up our personal cup and tend to the garden of our heart.
Finding Your Self-Care Style
After reading the above, you may know exactly what you need or want. If so, great! If not, we can explore a little further with a quick contemplation. Find a quiet time and space. Pull out a pen and paper or your laptop to write any notes or messages you receive.
Use these following question prompts to explore what nurturing and loving yourself looks like for you. Feel free to write down any responses:
What do you like to do that brings you peace, calm, or a relaxed heart? Meditation, reading, stretching, spiritual practice?
Do you prefer self-care activities to be more relaxing (like spa time) or more active (like rock climbing)?
What do you wish others would do for you? Is there a way you can do that for yourself?
What did you like to do/play when you were little? Is there a way to incorporate that in your life?
In your free alone time, do you prefer creative activities (cooking, crafting) or activities appreciating others creations (reading, listening to music)?
You’ll know you are on the right track when it feels right. Just be honest with yourself about your needs and wants.
May your cup always be full!
Comments