Does Fear Run Your Life?
We all know what fear feels like, and many of us know what happens in our body when our fear response gets triggered. Each of us has our own natural, automatic response in the face of fear. We fight the aggressor, flee the scene, freeze on the spot, or fawn over the aggressor to stay on their good side.
Unfortunately, some of us continue to live our lives in what feels like a constant fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. Usually, we can identify the person or situation in our life that is creating this trauma. Our parent, sibling, partner, boss, job, or friend. But what happens when we view LIFE itself as the aggressor? Could we create our entire life situation out of a fear response against simply being alive? Could your fear response be determining your major life choices? Let’s explore each fear response and what your life may look like if you consistently lived from your natural fear response.
Fight
There are hidden enemies all around you, waiting to ruin your life. People at work are trying to get you fired. People at home are trying to irritate you. Your competitive spirit drives you to be the best and everyone should fall in line with your program. You fought to be the best in your class, the best in sports, the best in your job. You will do whatever it takes to fight back and WIN! Life is a game and you will come out on top, no matter the cost to others.
Someone who lives from Fight wants to dominate life. They may have all the things - a good job, happy Facebook family, nice car, etc., but they live in a world of extreme hierarchy and are regularly seen fighting for power and dominance in all areas of their life.
Flight
There are hidden enemies all around you, waiting to hunt you down. Like a shark, you need to constantly be on the move in order to survive. Being stuck in one place or situation for too long makes you feel trapped and you need to be one step ahead of those coming for you. Conflict, boredom, or when things are getting too familiar are all reasons to flee a scene. You run away by quitting your job that got boring, moving from your annoying neighbor, ghosting your friends for getting too needy. While on one hand you might be seen as adventurous and brave, you should remember to ask the question, “what are you actually running from?”.
Someone who lives from Flight avoids life. They may avoid putting down roots anywhere or lasting relationships. Comfort for them is actually uncomfortable. They run away from a stable life rather than engage with it.
Freeze
There are hidden enemies everywhere, waiting to attack. To avoid conflict you don’t ask for anything and don’t draw attention to yourself. You hide in plain sight. If there is a conflict, you often just sit there to wait out the storm and try not to make it worse. Your life feels stagnant because you can’t make any of the moves you need to in order to level up. Indecision leads to inaction. Change is terrifying. You stay in a dead end job or unrewarding relationship because its easier to stay than to go. It’s safer to stay on the sidelines or hiding under the bleachers than engage in this game of life.
Someone who lives from Freeze wants life to pause and go slower. They may suffer with overwhelm, anxiety, and the inability to make decisions. They see the world through a lens of fear and often have a difficult time feeling safe anywhere.
Fawn
There are enemies all around, waiting to overpower you. You are very uncomfortable when those around you are upset. You long to have a safe space and peace. When others threaten and destroy that safe space through anger, lashing out, addictive behaviors, etc., you will do whatever it takes to placate them and return to some sense of normalcy and calm. While you may be known as the peacemaker in the family or group, you also tend to enable bad behavior from others.
Someone who lives from Fawn experiences life as out of their control. They will often feel powerless, worried, and be constantly trying to solve other people’s problems. They live life with extremely poor boundaries and feel that unless everyone around them is happy, they can never be happy.
If you strongly identify with one or two of these fear responses and it is impacting multiple areas of your life, you may want to check and see if you are afraid of the world and life in general.
The Good News:
If you really think about it, you can realize that our physical world is totally neutral. The physical world operates with Newton’s third law of motion which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The standard example here is when you are swimming, your stroke moves the water backward and the water moves you forward. But does the water care how fast you are swimming? Or that you feel fat in your bathing suit? Nope. The physical world around you will accept you exactly as you are. Therefore, it is neutral.
So if the physical world is totally neutral, what about the spiritual world? Personally, I think the spiritual world is equally as neutral. If we apply Newton’s third law to the world of the unseen, we step into the world of our thoughts matching our experience. What you put out into the universe is what you get out of it. If you believe the world is a dark and scary place, then the universe will respond by sending you dark and scary experiences. The spiritual world will match your thoughts to your experience. It's kind of like writing on a blank page. The page doesn’t care what you write on it, however, the words you choose set the tone of the story you create. You can write a horror story just as easily as a romance.
So the good news here is that, by this logic, the world itself is not out to get you.
The Other News:
While the world itself may be neutral, people are not. People have created society, religion, and systemic oppression. When we say the world is f*cked, we really mean the systems in place that determine our day-to-day experience are f*cked. If there is a system you have issue with, try adjusting how you work within, against, and around the system so that it can have less harmful impact on you and those you love.
In addition, people cannot change people - they have to want to change themselves. Being nicer to your boss will not make them nicer to you. Cooking the perfect meal will not make your family love you more. If you are in a situation with a difficult person, you can only change yourself to change the situation. Shifting your attitude or limiting contact are ways to make the situation better while protecting yourself. Get a new job or put less emphasis on perfection.
Exercise:
So I’d invite you now to take a blank page and explore some of your beliefs about the world around you. Do you always/sometimes/never get what you want? How do you work with obstacles? Are there unseen enemies and what are they preventing you from achieving? Do you identify with one of the fear responses above? How is that manifesting in your current situation?
Next, explore what you would prefer to be experiencing in this world. If the world could give you what you most long for what would that be? What will make you feel most safe and secure? Think of big things, like a loving home environment, and small things, like having more fresh fruit. Look at how the beliefs from step 1 contradict what you want for yourself.
Are there any workable actions to get you from step one closer to step 2? Is there a thought pattern, you could shift a little to make your life easier? Try to think of one or two ways to shift your world so it is a bit more enjoyable for you.
It can take a very long time to shift mindsets that we’ve carried for a lifetime. Take it slow and be patient. Be gentle with yourself and remember that each precious step on the path gets you a little bit closer to the mountaintop.
Please excuse any typos, this post was written by a human!
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