In an ideal world, we would trust ourselves implicitly. However, sometimes we are too emotionally involved in a situation to see it clearly. At these times, it is helpful to have trusted people close to you to help you navigate the waters of uncertainty.
However, what if the people closest to you have a self-interested agenda and want a different outcome than you do? And what happens when they manipulate you into doing what they want rather than what's best for you?
Keep in mind that not all manipulation is overt and with malicious intent. Manipulation is just a tactic to get what we want. Getting a child to eat their vegetables by offering or withholding dessert could be considered a type of manipulation. These minor manipulations, where no one is really getting hurt, can easily fall more under the category of negotiation. If manipulation is on a sliding scale from 1-10, this would fall at a one, however, in this post, I’ll be addressing the 4-8 level of manipulation.
What is Manipulation?
Harmful manipulation is an abuse of power in an unhealthy dynamic where one person consistently wants to have things go their way and will do whatever it takes to get it or to maintain
the status quo. If someone says no or wants to make their own decision outside of the agenda, then they will be punished. The punishment (or threat of punishment) must be harsh enough to cause the other person to yield their position. Physical assault, withdrawal of love or attention, verbal abuse, shaming, and misuse of shared finances are the most common forms of manipulation.
Being consistently manipulated can wreak havoc on your self-esteem and shut down your intuition so that you begin to believe yourself incapable of making your own decisions and let the other person make all the decisions for you. This maintains the other person’s power over aspects of your life.
Working With Manipulation
Sometimes the people closest to us are the ones who have the greatest opportunities for manipulation. If you are being manipulated by a loved one and you don’t want to sever the relationship, here are some options to try to work with it when you are feeling manipulated. Additionally, if you are aware of a tendency within yourself toward manipulation and you would like to change, these guidelines can also help!
1. Honesty is the best policy. In order to be truly honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself. This means understanding and being clear on exactly what you want from a situation. If you aren’t clear, then its easy for someone else to come in and shift the situation in their favor. If you feel even a little confused about your situation, be patient and avoid making decisions until the confusion lifts and you have some clarity around what you truly want. Also, just be real with yourself. Sometimes we pursue a life goal that society or our family pressures us to think we want, but that doesn’t really work for the life we really want. Its okay to tell someone,”No, that is what YOU want for me, not what I want for myself.”
2. Be direct. When stating what you want, be sure to use strong words that are clear and decisive. If you use vague or wishy-washy words that leave room for “maybe”, then the person on the other end won’t believe that what you say is what you really want. By being clear and firm, there can be no room for manipulation of your words or misunderstanding of your intentions. Remember that you are not drawing a firm line of “my way or the highway” just by being direct. Keep in mind that it is possible to be kind and direct at the same time. By applying genuine kindness, you can affirm to the other person that what you want is not a threat to their well being or your relationship.
3. Gauging others' reactions from a neutral place. If you express your wants or needs and get an intense reaction to it, then this is a sign that the other person is overly invested in the outcome of the situation. Usually this happens when someone feels they will be directly affected by your choices. Sometimes this is true and sometimes it isn’t, depending on the relationship. For example, if you want to quit your job, your sibling in another state may not be directly affected by this, but your significant other will be. Understanding the parameters of the relationship can help determine if their reaction is appropriate or not.
Additionally, in an overly codependent relationship, the other person will feel that every move you make is either a threat to them or a reflection on them. Even if it is only how they will be perceived by others, they may feel threatened by your wants or needs and overreact to get you to back down and resume the status quo. Being clear on what you want and how you say it can help you navigate these situations. By staying open and neutral you can determine if they just need some space to process the situation or if they are locked in their own mindset.
4. Gauging your own reactions from a neutral place. If you have a strong reaction to another’s reaction, then you should be mindful of that dynamic. Sometimes when the people we love have a negative reaction to our wants or the choices we make, we tend to react against THEIR reaction. This often happens either as submission or rebellion. If we are in a more neutral place, we can look at our responses before they turn into reactions.
5. Evaluating historical evidence. When working with the reactions of others and yourself, it may be helpful to look back on how things have played out in the past. As humans, we tend to choose the path of least resistance - even with our emotional reactions. Whenever you try and stand up for yourself, does this person lash out? When you feel like you are disappointing another, do you always yield? If you notice that you tend to react a certain way with a specific person, just try something different. For example, if you shut down when someone starts berating you, get up and walk out. Or make a silly face to diffuse the situation. Or make a grocery list in your head. Just try something different to break the pattern.
6. Do not make decisions under duress or euphoria. Extreme feelings are extreme, whether they feel good or bad. Cult leaders, media, and marketers prey on people by having them alternate between the highs and lows of hope and fear. If someone is manipulating you through fear - direct or veiled threats to your safety or the safety of your loved ones, belittling you, shaming, catastrophizing, gaslighting, stoking your anxiety, or pressuring you to decide NOW - leave the situation as soon as you can or just stop listening if you can’t leave. Alternatively, if someone is buttering you up with gifts, promises, compliments (sometimes called “lovebombing”), or mood altering substances to get you to go along with their plan, you may also want to leave that situation as soon as possible. In either duress or euphoria, do not say yes to anything you don’t want to. Wait until you are in a more neutral place, away from their influence, to make a decision.
7. Understand that your needs/wants are valid. Often in manipulation, your needs are minimized while the other’s needs are deemed to be a greater value. All human beings are born equal. It is human society that places value judgments on the worth of one life over another. Your life is precious and you deserve to be happy. Your needs and wants are valid. You do not need to give until it hurts in order to be compassionate. You do not need to put the needs of others before your own if you are being abused in the process. You do not need to suffer in order for another person to be happy. And if someone tries to make you believe any of this, you should question their intentions.
We all want to be happy and feel safe in our lives. And sometimes others feel that they have to use another person to achieve this. If you feel that the manipulation you are experiencing with a loved one is unhealthy, I encourage you to try to create as much space in the relationship as possible. Most often this looks like limiting contact or avoiding the subject for a while until you can have the time and space needed to clear your head and gain clarity around the situation. Time and space allows for honesty and neutrality to arise.
Trust yourself. You’ve got this!
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