Easter Egg: In this post, I have hidden lyrical references to 3 different popular songs from 1968-1988. If you can correctly identify them, reach out to me and I will give you a coupon for a FREE candle with your next purchase. Happy Hunting!
We all feel like we are the hero of our own story. We may be the underdog hero, the superhero, the antihero, or the fucked-up hero that you hope gets it together before the end of the movie. And whenever there's a hero, there’s always a villain. The villain(s) of your life story may be a parent, family member, boss, ex-lover, ex-friend, or the driver that cut you off on your way to work this morning. While it is easy to view ourselves as the hero of our own story, have you ever considered that you may be the villain of someone else’s story?
Let's take the example of the person who cut you off. You are already running late to work and then this other driver almost hits you. So you retaliate by tailgating their car just to show them how close they were to hitting you. Now their experience of the same situation is that they are simply driving to work. Yesterday, they were diagnosed with cancer and they are trying to figure out how this is going to affect their job, family, etc. and… they are distracted. They change lanes, totally not seeing you, and the next thing they know someone is tailgating them which makes them scared of the aggressive driver behind them. They were already upset and now they are really upset.
The point of this example is really that we never know what is actually happening in someone else’s world. Sometimes, rather than jump to anger and hatred, we can offer some grace and compassion knowing that everyone in the world, just like us, is trying to find happiness and avoid suffering.
I have been the recipient of my fair share of hatred. Some of it has been obvious transference from mentally unstable people. Some of it has been as the unwitting pawn of workplace lies, drama, and gossip for another’s gain. And some of it has been justified by my past actions. For all of these people, I have played the villain in their life stories. Justified or not, it is still horribly painful to be the recipient of such negativity, anger, and hatred.
So today I want to explore the poison of hatred. My hope here is that when we understand how hurtful it is to be on the receiving end of it, we can shift our perspective and lessen the hatred we put on others. Less hatred in the world leaves more room for peace, love, and understanding and what’s so funny about that?
Fear and Anger
Hate comes from Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unfamiliar. Fear of anything that threatens your identity. Hate longs to destroy. Hate wants to annihilate. Hate uses the fear response of anger to destroy what we are afraid of.
When we encounter something unfamiliar, first, we are afraid. We are petrified. We need to figure out if it is safe or not. If the unknown turns out to be benign, then our fear abates and we can relax and assimilate the new idea, person, or being. However, if we determine that it is a threat, then we stay afraid and build a case against it.
But what is the actual threat? Often in our society, one of the biggest threats is an existential one. It is the fear of change. We are afraid of new ideas, new technology, and new ways of being. Our ego likes for things to stay the same. This feels safe. This doesn’t, however, leave any room for new experiences, new friends, or differing opinions. As a result, we tend to shut out anything that will create change. If we finally accept something that goes against who we believe we are, then who are we?
This aggression toward change makes us terrified of anything that is different and forces us to make our world and lives smaller. We surround ourselves with people and media who think like we do, avoid topics that trigger thinking of a contrasting viewpoint, stay at jobs longer than we should, and try to force the world around us to bend to OUR will, rather than allowing the space for everyone to just follow their own path to happiness. And in our myopic, black-and-white world, we become so used to our own comfortable padded cell, that when a thought, idea, or person makes us feel uncomfortable we say it is “traumatizing” and try to obliterate it. Discomfort is not trauma.
Trauma is defined as “a stressful, frightening or distressing event that is difficult to cope with or out of our control.” Trauma is a car accident, the death of a child, surviving a hurricane, etc. Discomfort, however, is often an indicator of an opportunity for growth. Discomfort is being stuck in a traffic jam for an hour, listening to your uncle talk about his political beliefs, your boss giving you negative feedback on your work performance, etc. These are moments to practice patience, kindness, or self-reflection. This is not the time to double down on shutting out the world and turning those around you into the villains of your story.
Moving Though Discomfort
When you feel wronged, all we need is just a little patience. Patience creates the space to avoid reacting out of anger and retaliating for the perceived wrong. Remember that the other party involved feels equally justified in their actions and beliefs, so you can choose to respond in a way that creates either gridlock or a route with more open pathways.
Patience gives you the time to process the experience and see it from multiple angles. The space created from staying open in uncomfortable situations invites compassion. Compassion for yourself and for the perceived perpetrator (remember that they are the hero of their story) allows you to cut through the victim/victimizer roles and see clearly what the next best course of action is. The world stops being so black and white and adds in shades of gray and eventually pops of color!
It is important also to determine the level of the wrong as well. Feeling wronged can be as simple
having your feelings hurt or as complicated as psychological abuse. Was it a social faux pas - like lying to cover up not inviting you to their party? Or maybe an uncomfortable situation - like hearing a lie someone told about you? Or was it more extreme - like a physical assault? Please note that if a law was broken and the person might harm others like they harmed you, then you may want to speak up and involve the authorities. But if it was something simple and you feel it is worth saving the relationship, then you should try to talk it out. Having difficult conversations may feel uncomfortable, but often can help a relationship grow stronger.
Final Thought:
No one wants to be the bad guy or the villain in anyone’s story. Maybe there doesn't have to be a villain in your story. Try and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and send out more love than hate. We all want to be happy. Let’s try harder to support each other to make that a reality and build a more tolerant and peaceful world.
Comments